This phase of my journey may be over, but the journey itself goes on.  My new blog: http://templerepair.blogspot.com/

Going to the gym

My brother-in-law just left for three months of training to be an army chaplain.  I'm very proud of him, but we miss him already.  Before he left he encouraged me to keep up my efforts to become healthier.  He transfered his gym membership over to me and told me he will keep paying the monthly fee if I go!  He's so generous!

I've never had a gym membership before.  In fact, at university there is a gym on campus that students can use for free.  I went only a few times.  A few years ago I went and sat outside of the gym for fifteen minutes before chickening out and leaving.  The atmosphere is very intimidating to me.  All of the equipment I don't know what to do with and all of the mirrors... ugh.  My brain knows that people are not there to judge me, but I can't get my emotions to believe it.  The few times that I have gone to the gym successfully I had to keep telling myself over and over that people weren't there to watch me or judge me.  That's very emotionally tiring.

I am determined to put that behind me.  They say that the more often you do something that is difficult, the easier it becomes.

This morning I met with a personal trainer at the gym; new members get a free consultation.  I am thinking about setting up weekly appointments with a personal trainer to become more familiar with the equipment and learn how to use it properly.)  The personal trainer briefly ran me through some exercises I can do at the gym.  He talked to me about the importance of setting specific goals.  He had asked me what my goals are and I told him I want to lose weight but I don't have any specific goals.  He said that a lot of people don't set specific goals because they are afraid of letting themselves down, but in the end they are unable to accomplish anything.  He compared this to setting a goal to graduate college but not setting a goal to study for your tests or even to pass your classes.  If you don't set specific goals you are a lot less likely to accomplish anything.

So... for the next three months I am setting a goal of going to the gym three times a week.
I am also setting a goal to forgive myself for failures.  In fact, I am going to choose to not think of them as failures but as learning experiences.

Look! She posted again!

Hey everyone!

For some reason, my wonderful family thinks I shouldn't give up.  lol

So, I'm kicking back in gear.

I have no idea how much I weigh right now.  I'm pretty sure I gained back most (if not all) of what I lost, but I can only start from where I am.  I think I'll hold off on weighing myself for a while.  I'm going to try to eat healthier again and start walking again.

I just moved in with Lauren and she said she is going to help me by trying to make healthier foods and encouraging me to come on walks with her and Brian.  I think that sounds great.

Thanks for your support, everyone!

These [will be] a few of my favorite things

So, I'm up half a pound from last week.  303lbs.  I've reached a point that I always reach.  The point where I want to lose weight, but I'm having a hard time not reverting back to all of my old habits.

To help me get through and remember why I'm doing this, I'm going to take a suggestion from my sister, Lou, and write out all of the things I'm looking forward to once I lose weight...

• Greater variety of theatre roles
• Dancing
• Fitting on roller coaster rides again
• Finding bathing suits that fit properly
• Ice-skating
• Mountain biking
• Rock-climbing
• Fitting in auditorium seats
• Hiking
• Shopping in the 'misses' section
• Playing tag
• Ropes courses
• Skiing
• My new scale being able to calculate body fat %
• Shopping at Victoria's secret
• Fitting all seat belts
• Bungee Jumping and or Sky Diving

Challenge Zone

Fifth Grade Camp was great!  I just got back to Zeeland about half an hour ago.  This year was our first year at a new camp.  There were quite a few things I miss from previous years, but I had a really good time and there were a lot activities that stretched both the kids and me.  One theme that was repeated quite often throughout the camp was that of finding your challenge zone.  There are three zones: comfort zone, challenge zone, and panic zone.  None of the kids were forced to do anything they didn't want to, but they were all strongly encouraged to stretch themselves by putting themselves in their challenge zones in different activities.  It was great, so many of them were able to do things that they didn't think they could do.  It was difficult, but they did it.

Throughout camp, I kept finding myself thinking about my struggle with weight.  Often these thoughts were brought on by finding myself either self-conscious during and activity because of my size, or unable to do activities because of my weight and fitness level.  It was hard.  It is not fun to see people doing things that I very much want to do, but can't.  It is also not fun being the largest person in a group and having obvious challenges because of it.  But you know, I did a few things that were difficult for me, and I'm glad I did.  I definitely brought myself into my challenge zone, and I grew from the experience.  The kids were great, by the way.  Just as I had encouraged and supported them through the activities, they encouraged and supported me.  What a great experience!  As for the things that I couldn't do, I kept finding myself motivation to lose weight increased with each one.  In the past when I came to something I couldn't do, I would often get frustrated or depressed.  I will be honest, there was a little of that this time, but there was something else as well.  There was this hope that maybe next year will be different.  Maybe next year I can come and be a counselor at fifth grade camp again and maybe next year I'll be able to do some of those things that I wasn't able to this year.  That's what I'm going to focus on.  I'm going to challenge myself, and it won't be easy, but who knows, maybe I'll be able to do something that I never thought was possible.

Schlump

I had a schlump.  My first big schlump.  A few weeks of major off and ons, mostly offs.  I have not done a whole lot of exercising, I've been kind of eating whatever I wanted and however much I wanted.  But, I'm happy to announce that I am very motivated to be ON again!  I'm back up to 304 lbs, but I feel like I weigh more like 330. I am amazed that after doing things right for just a few months, I got used to feeling healthier.  Right now I just feel... bleh.

You know, I'm actually encouraged by the fact that I'm only up to 304 after doing everything wrong for a few weeks.  I am interpreting this as my body had started to become a better fat-burning machine through exercise and it carried over a little bit.  Yay, body!  You did great without me and now I'm gonna help you along again!  I kind of feel sometimes like my body is a whole other entity.  I often want to eat junk, overeat, and sit on my butt all day.  My body doesn't want those things.  It wants to be healthy.  So, now I'm gonna listen to my body and get up and move around.  I'm gonna eat yummy, nutritious things.  I'm not gonna stuff myself to exploding.

This week should be good because I'm gonna be at fifth grade camp.  Lots and lots of exercise, that's for sure!  And no junk food.

It's not about the weight... it's not about the weight...

I must admit, the up-down thing is getting a little old, and I was hoping to have ended it.  This entry is my attempt to convince myself that it's okay and to look at the big picture.

I gained two lbs this past week (so I'm back up to 304.5).  BUT... I ate lots of good nutrients and I got some exercise.  Both are successes.

I have lost a total of 4 inches on my waist since the beginning of March.  Also, I have lost a total of 2 inches from my hips, 1.75 inches from my thigh, and 1.75 inches from my upper arm.

I started out wearing size 24 jeans, and now those are so baggy that if I don't wear a belt, they fall off.

It's NOT about the weight.  It's not about the weight.  IT'S NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT!